Just to clarify

Bit of a slow news week in terms of fertility treatment this week - Round 3 of Clomid is down the hatch and hopefully doing wonderfully fertile things to my nethers. The waiting game really does suck tho... far too much time to think and stew.. hence... it has occurred to me (either via people's reactions to my rantings, or lack of, or my "over thinking" and paranoia) that my blog may have, unfortunately, painted me in an ungrateful, attention-seeking or overly dramatic light to some.

To clarify - I have no misunderstandings as to how lucky I have been thus far in my life. Not a bed of roses by any stretch, nor a privileged existence - but a stable and humble upbringing surrounded by family who cared, friends who I cherish and opportunities and experiences that have blown my mind. 

I have travelled around the world and seen amazing places, met life-changing friends from every continent on earth and still got to return home to the place and the people that have my heart.

There IS one thing missing from our lives - and while it grows increasingly difficult to focus on much else at this point, it isn't the thing that will define or determine the rest of our lives. It is hard to explain what the longing feels like - in fact, unless you had experienced it yourself, even the best writer in the world couldn't adequately describe the physical and emotional pain that it causes. But it isn't the worst thing in the world that could happen to us - AND I KNOW THAT. But you try telling my heart that when it is skipping every second beat waiting for a pregnancy test result. Or try reasoning with my brain to stop that crying impulse every time I dream about J-dog holding his daughter for the first time (yes it's always girls - weird huh?)

I want to make my mum a Nanna and my dad a Poppy, I want to hear a little voice call out to Uncle Jarrod, I want to see Jon's chest swell with pride watching his children conquer all their "firsts" and of course I want to fill the emptiness in my own chest. But usually the universe doesn't care about "wants" and tends to deliver you what you need instead. And I know, and appreciate, that everything I NEED for a satisfying life I already have.

Have you ever heard the saying "It takes a village to raise a child"? I love the idea of the path of a child's life being shaped not only by a mother and/or father's guidance - but also the people around that child and the love and support they provide - be it teachers, neighbours, family, friends and a general sense of belonging to a community. These ramblings are my way of plugging into my "village" and the love and support that is out there for us - which we have received in heart-warming truckloads by the way. So thank you for reading and commenting and helping shoulder this load - it truly means the world xx

Oh and for those who care - here are some things that put a smile on my face this week:

• I absolutely ADORE this blog - why? I don't really know as I am not big into fashion at all - but I love her style and would probably do despicable things to have hair like that! Plus the photos are pretty neat too...
• Some scrum-diddly-umptious looking recipes on this site - for those into that "clean eating" jazz and even for those who aren't.
• My little brother-in-law is in a band and they have some new songs (which I can't figure out how to link too - der Sara!) anways I think they are pre' neat - check em out here
• Also I am subliminal mind messaging Santa for this and this and to sign me up for this

Firstly - I feel I should apologise for my dreadful post last mid-week - I re-read it a few days later and realised that grammar and sentence structure, and making sense in general, goes out the window when posting tired. I knew when each blink took what felt like an hour that the post was going to be a bit wonky - whoops! Feeling much more refreshed and rested now -so let's go.

On my way to Proserpine for the doctor's appointment this week - I had to drive through the scene of a bush fire that had, the previous weekend, cut off the highway for hours and burnt out several properties in the area. My shakey phone photos don't do justice to how much space was burnt and stripped of all greenery on that stretch. 

It did get me to thinking about how destructive things in your life can burn out and chew up and destroy anything good that might be there too. I feel like my most destructive force in the past has been the barrowloads of guilt I feel for decisions and mistakes I have made in the past. I relive every moment I lied, every time I cheated, every selfish decision I made, every time I put something else ahead of what I knew was the right thing to do, every hurtful thing I said that I didn't mean, every fight I picked, every-single-shitty-thing. I know now, with the benefit of hindsight, that most of these occasions had a lot to do with being young, immature, having undiagnosed mental health issues, wanting freedom and not knowing what to do with it when I snatched it, being impressionable and doing the regular teenager/young adult survival thing. That doesn't stop the guilt creeping in, and with frightening regularity, me using this guilt as a reason for why conceiving a child has been so difficult for us ("maybe the universe doesn't want a person like me to create another life?"). 
I am happy to report that I am slowly recognising that thinking this way is not helpful or even correct - and that it is getting easier to deal with the guilt when it starts nagging. I try to spend more time focusing on what I am doing right in my life now - the decisions I am making that are making a huge difference to the positivity I surround myself with and our happiness. 
And I think it's starting to show - in the form of some pretty good news this week and getting the time to spend together this weekend just enjoying each others company. Sure it was just an early morning walk along the beach with the pooches (and my pa) and a BBQ breakfast afterwards - followed by a late night scary movie-athon by candlelight with a mountain of junk food - and a relaxing day today crafting, drawing, painting and watching movies. But it was soooooo good to just spend time together - like really together - not allowing our fertility issues to be the only thing we talk about, think about and focus on. Feeling refreshed and relaxed and pretty darn tootin' good at the end of this weekend - and this is even knowing I have to go to work tomorrow! 

Have a great week everyone - thanks for reading xx

A Little From Column A and A Little From Column B

So I had an appointment with the specialist today - only it wasn't Dr Trimble because she was away so I saw a fella who's name I can't remember but who was very nice all the same. 
I spent the hour long solo journey on the highway going through fits of panic and dread and then talking myself out of it. I wasn't sure what I was hoping for - either the Clomid had worked or not - those were the only two options. But the implications of both options were proving very daunting in that hour long journey. 
What if the medication HAD worked but I still haven't fallen pregnant? Does that mean something else is wrong? Will I have more testing unpleasantness to look forward to?? 
OR what if the Clomid HADN'T worked and I am bumped up to a double dose? Will my marriage survive double the sickness/emotional torture? Will double the dose make any difference? Maybe my insides are so poisonous that I am destined to grow nothing there but sadness? <--dramatic I know - but these are actual thoughts that have gone through my head! 
Anyways - Dr Whatever-his-name-was very happily reported that the Clomid has very clearly and definately and successfully done its job (insofar as I have ovulated) and that he will prescribe me two more rounds of it - but that hopefully I won't need them. And that was about it. Off I toddled with my prescription and my slip for the receptionist and that was....it. It took me till the carpark to realise I was grinning pretty hard out and that I felt a real sense of relief. I guess I was rooting for the medication to have worked after all. I am not a complete medical pain the arse when it comes to fertility treatment! Woot woot! So it's back to much of the same - and a buttload of positive thinking, good vibes and being the good little bunnies that we have been over the past several months to try and get this thing done already....
So there we go - that is my update from today's goings ons... If anyone would like to find out a bit more about Clomid (clomiphene) and what it actually does you can find out here.

This week I have been:

Reading - The new Country Style magazine - I am obsessed with this magazine - I have literally piles of them all around my house - and that's AFTER a cull! I reckon if I put each of the piles on top of each other it would prolly reach the ceiling.... and I am not even ashamed to admit that. Such a great mag for those of us who like researching anything from home renovations to gardening tips to recipes to craft patters and ideas ie those of us who are turning into nannas before they are 40! Seriously tho - I love it.

Watching - Apart from my usual (Boardwalk Empire and rewatching my favourite old movies) I attempted to start watching the Sons of Anarchy series this past week. A LOT of people I know rave about it - and watch it and discuss it religiously so I thought it might be up my alley. Ughhh, alas, it is not. I have done 4 episodes and honestly cannot bring myself to watch another - even if it does get better as I have been told. The acting - oh man! - the terrible, stiff, stilted, unwatchable acting! The dialogue - sheesh! - the predictable, corny, cringing dialogue! All I can say is - the producers of the show better hope and pray that the actor who plays Jax never wants to leave the show - because if it wasn't for his purdy face they would be up poo poo creek without a paddle! (sorry girls - I really did try to like it I promise haha)

Listening to - Being a creature of habit means that I am a little wary to try new things most of the time - including new music. This week I downloaded a few new albums and threw my grinchy ways out the window and gave them a really good listen. Firstly, Birdy's self titled album (that came out last year I am pretty sure) - definately not a listen-all-the-way-through-er but there are a couple of tracks I dont mind at all - her Fleet Foxes "White Winter Hymnal" cover is pretty alright (that's coming from someone who loves the original even) and "Shelter" (originally The xx) is pretty alright too. The other album I dug - surprisingly - is Nas' latest Life Is Good - for those of you who don't mind a little gansta thuggy thang (clearly not up Jon's alley - while one track "Accident Murderers" was playing in the car today I was told "nope, I don't like this, these lyrics are ridiculous, accident murderes,phhhttttt!" He's probably got a point....

See you all on Sunday night - as long as the power doesn't go out again! Thanks for reading xx

Brick Walls

This week I hit a few brick walls - I am not ashamed to admit it. I struggled to remain positive in the wake of the endless nausea, the physical pain I feel from wanting this process to work so badly, the emotional torture of the wait etc etc. I thought this week I might share with you some of the things that helped me get over (or smash through) these brick walls - small and insignificant as they may be - they help me a lot and deserve some recognition. And I thought I might do this sharing visually rather than waffling this week - so bonus for you guys :)

This tune is amaze - makes me happy and dancey and zingy all at once - perfect for those mornings where getting out of bed seems horrid and pointless and exhausting all at once. Enjoy!

 I have suffered from a weak stomach all my life - one thing my mum used to give me to help on car rides or boat trips was barley sugar. Two packets (over two rounds of Clomid) later and these babies are still my go to - whether its all in my mind or not I don't care!

The older I get, the more I appreciate the necessity and benefits of a good nights sleep. My bed (usually minus the dog - who didn't want to be left out of the photo action - "oh sorry, were you taking a photo?") is becoming a firm favourite lately - relax time - GO!

ahhhh COFFEE - I know technically it's not good for you. And I know its probably not the best thing for someone who's mind is as overactive as mine - but gosh darn it! it is delicious. And I will continue to drink it until such time as someone invents something that I can legally drink at work that makes me awake and functioning. Besides - my boss bought a you-beaut, fresh grinding, milk frothing, all-the-bells-and-whistles machine - be rude not to wouldn't it?

A million needle pricks in my finger tips later and a thousand vacuum jobs picking up fabric scraps and thread later - I finally finished this wonky little guy for Aaliyah Kay. It is supposed to be a rabbit - but the lack of fluffy tail and face definition means it turned out more of a undefined "creature". I don't think little miss will ever understand the importance of my craftin' time and the peace it gives my busy brain - but I hope she loves him all the same.

Whether its researching our up-coming trip to Melbourne (excited much?!), finding recipes of delicious things to make for dinner that don't make me want to hurl, drooling over bits and bobs I can't afford, looking up tips on getting through the next few weeks of specialist appointments or just getting tide times to know when to walk our mangey mutt along the beach - I am so grateful for the internet and the time-wasting yet still productive moments it gives me every day. I won't mention facebook - as it is the bane of my existence and I am not grateful for it at all - but it's probably how you got to read this blog - so I probably should mention it....there <-- consider it mentioned.

This beautiful little girl arrived last week - Aaliyah Kay - the fourth girl for my dear friend Lisa. I met her for the first time this weekend and so began the clucking -  velvety hair, soft skin, the longest toes you have ever seen on a baby, snuggled up like a little gumnut Cuddlepie not making a peep. Yep - THAT'S why Jon and I will continue this fight - best feeling in the world.

Holey crap I still managed to waffle! Whoops! 

This week should end with a huge cuddly snuggly WELCOME TO THE WORLD to Frank  - or Frankie Pegs as I shall call him - thanks for picking the BEST mummy and daddy in the world - good choice mate!